Why am I here?

Some days ago, in the opening day of the Durga sadhana, I had a dream.

I dreamt that I was to die. Having no problems with this, I sat down on the bed, stroke my hands over the bed spread a few times to make it look nice, to prepare. Looking at Richard, knowing he was the one to kill me, and that this was all ok. He shot me right in the forehead. Nice and clean, no fuzz about it at all. It was supposed to be this way. I died. I fell backwards on the bed. No blood shed. ”I” was dead, but yet not. The consciousness was still there.

I awoke. Feeling calm, actually, knowing I had just been killed, sort of. The dream has followed me during the days. It might sound strange, but I am very pleased with the fact that I dared to be killed! In many dreams during the last years I almost got killed in one or another way, for just to wake up in that moment right before, terrified or at least afraid.

This was just so right. This was so filled with trust.

A blow in the head, right into mind. Mind all gone, no ”right or wrong”, no judgments. A ritual killing, performed by the man who loves me the most, out of love. By a man already awakened.

In fact, I think this is just fantastic, don’t you too?

Still waiting to die to my self, though… to have the courage to stay in that state of no mind… long enough. To make it real for real. Not just as glimpses or a memory… but the inner knowing, saying I’m free, and know this to be the truth with all of my existence.

In the Durga Sadhana group I am participating for the time being, a question was given:

”Why are you here?”

-Yes, why am I here?  -Why am I in this group of women? -Why am I in this life, on this planet, together with this family, these friends?

There is no one right answer to this.

Why am I in this life?

Today this is my answer:

I am here love to awaken to itself. No more no less.  I am here for all the wails of mind to fall in order to distinguish the false self from the truth.

I am here for love to recognize itself in the creation called me.

I am here to embody the feminine and the masculine in the play called life, and to recognize this in all my being.



“Creation of the World ballet, photo by Maiseenok.




Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>