To inherit someone may, as you know, bring up quite some emotional processes. So was also the case here.
It could have been a rather simple and easy process, as my father was a man of few belongings. In that way one might say, he was kind of Zen. A few things of solid quality, things that lasts for decades. But all must come to an end. It was not much left when he died, neither of belongings nor body.
I did not really see it come. The attack, as I phoned what I expected to be a simple call of practicality. I almost stopped breathing for a while. It became the shortest and strangest one -way call so far in my life. I was left in a state of shock and with absolute astonishment in the belly. ‘What happened?’ I guess my face had a pretty strange look!
I could have reacted with anger in that moment. Or with sadness. I could have taken it very personal. If I had gone into identification here, and believed the words uttered, anything could have happened.
Ahhh! What a relief!
I stepped back, recognizing the feelings passing through. And instead of hooking on to them, I left them passing by. In a moment of clarity I “saw” the other persons outburst, and my own reaction to the energy and the words as impersonal. And I managed to stay somewhat awake, and continued to not make it personal. That was a very good experience! I even nodded my head and smiled at it all, of the pain and the harshness, and the frustration in it all.
What was such a delight in this mess was that I recognized the I, my self, to be free in this.
Meditation practice works! I am sure that without all that practice I would have bitten on to that hook of emotions and got stuck in the feelings. And probably created even more havoc. You know, shooting back, to avoid feeling. I could have listened to all the old stories in the mind, and reacted. But “I” was free, it was not personal, it was just something going on.
Later that day, the anger came. I saw it coming this time. I felt it arose in the body, and recognized it as a river of energy floating through me. This time I chose to surf on that anger, and to express it clearly, with clarity. Boy, was that good!
The entanglement that comes when we bite the hook creates a lot of stirred feelings and painful situations, inside and outside, and we get lost in the feelings and the stories we create about it all. It is like swimming into a jellyfish. Suddenly the nettle strings are all over you, and you start to wave your arms and legs to get free, and all that happens is that you get more into it, and pain increases. And you will have to deal with this for a while, until it ceases.
Perhaps, if you are somewhat like me, it might me good to know that there is another way of handling stressful situations, a way that does not bring so much suffering.
Every day is an opportunity to learn how to surf the waves of feelings. I’m a very emotional being, so I’ve had to learn this step by step. And I’m still learning.
Little by little, in situations less charged, that is; oftentimes situations with people not so close, step back for a second and wait. Wait for just a moment. Pause, and see if you can allow the feelings in their pure energy form to simply wash through you without going into making stories about it all. And sigh. Step back, physically or mentally, and sigh. This little gesture creates a space inside, and allows your wisdom to come forth. The wisdom that makes it possible to look at it all in a more detached way. The wisdom that tells you that this is simply something that is going on in the moment.
If you give it a try; Good luck! It is worth it. There is a pearl waiting inside. A pearl of freedom.
“Purple Jellyfish” by Baddad.
“Black Pearl and his shell” Mila Zinkova.