Grief, the shadow of love.

When you’re on the top of the mountain, you have to climb down again.

Silly me hoped to stay up there, detached from the world, feeling all fine, in love with the experience of ‘the moment’ and detachment. That’s not the way it goes. That’s just half the journey. I had to come back to meet the world. And this includes meeting grief.

It comes as a wave, rolling into my consciousness.

Grief.

Months ago there was a friend saying to me; “You act as if you are all happy and fine, but you are not”. I didn’t like what I heard. Of course I was happy ! – , but my father had died not long ago. Somewhere inside I knew he was right, and somewhere inside I knew that it was not only because of my father. I just did not want to look at it at that time.  I was too busy with being happy, I guess.

It came knocking when I least expected it to.

I do not know what it is about any longer.  It used to have a name, like ‘death’, or ‘separation from my beloved ones’, …. But now there are no names any more.

Just this; grief and love. Hand in hand they walk, comes visiting my heart and body.  Turns away for a while and comes knocking again.

In the beginning it was mostly dark sorrow and grief. I cried silent tears, from my eyes and from my heart. I quite felt heavy inside. Tired. Oftentimes I did not even notice its appearance. Not until Richard said “Oh, there is so much sorrow in your eyes”, and yes, it was. It was right there, all the time, yet often invisible to me.

In a way I felt trapped. I thought I had mourned what was to be mourned so far in my life. But apparently not. I have come to understand that a lot of what have happened in life I had not mourned. There was no time for that back then. Life had asked of me to cope with daily life’s struggles. I was tangled up in relationships, broken relationships, broken dreams, new love affaires, children and childbirth, just to mention some of it, and the struggle for food and living, having to be strong.  And yet I was a bit surprised. And as it persisted on staying, I wondered; for how long will I have to mourn? For how long will this sorrow stay with me? I did not know. I still don’t. I only know that something is changing.

I decided to befriend the grief. To make friends with mourning. Because who knows; maybe it will be like this for ever, so I might just as well stop fighting it and get used to it’s presence. I do not know exactly how, but I guess something happened when I saw that grief and love comes hand in hand.  Once I felt the softness of grieving it was no longer so heavy. I could in fact in a strange way enjoy it! It is the language of the heart.

The deeper the love and affection is, the more grief. This is natural, isn’t it? If I don’t love, there is nothing to mourn either. No loss, actually.

So I addressed my heart, and welcomed grief as a sign of love. Oh, I love so very much! So therefore, maybe, I have to grieve very much too?… until it is all dissolved. If it ever will be. Then one day I sat contemplating this love & grief-thing, suddenly I was not able to find any address, no sender, no reason inside. I could no longer tell if the sorrow I felt was mine or Richard’s, or from the collective field. And how to tell the difference, really?

In my heart and consciousness they both arise together. I can no longer distinguish the one from the other. Grief comes as the shadow of love.

Once again it turnes out to be a lesson of love. 

-m-

The Most Important.

A love letter. 

What is the most important in your life?

To me it is love.

It is the only option.

To me it is to over and over again recognize love, in life and for life, and love for the sake of love itself.

Over and over again to reawake the dormant feelings and the deep nourishing contact with my heart, this contact that in our society so sadly all too often is forgotten, neglected and refused.

I must admit, like everyone else I tend to slip out. To forget. To move into the realms of mind and daily life’s quests. Life gets a bit flat then. And I get a bit cold and distant. I tend to slip out for not to feel. Not to feel the grief and sorrow residing beside love. Feel the sorrow of separation.

I love so much, and I love so deep. For a long time I was bathing in this love. I was so fortunate to live in this love of no separation. It was so incredibly fantastic, so alive, so fulfilling. Now it seems like sorrow follows love, and now is the time for me to dive into this sorrow and grief.

I love my kids. More than I will ever know, I love my kids. I really hope they know… They represent the most important. Just by being, they represent love. Not for anything they do or say in particular, just by being. Not only are they of my flesh & blood… in each and every moment of time they are my heart. When I see them, embrace them or talk with them, my heart fills with love and I know I am the most blessed.

I love my parents. Despite what ever has been between us of difficulties during life I love them. They have done their best. Sometimes I sure wished for something else. But for better or worse, they are my parents, and that’s enough. I am truly grateful just because they gave me life.

I love Richard, the man in my life. I love him deeply and beyond words. Over and over again meeting him beyond the world of separation, in the great heart. I never knew how it felt to be so loved, so wanted and welcomed. Even if I make mistakes, try to escape from feelings, or feel like failure, he is there, and from moment to moment, new chances are given, cracking my heart open with his love and presence. I am the luckiest woman.

What ever happen in daily life fades towards this; to over and over again realize and reawaken this love. The love that brings no two. The love that brings truth to surface. Also the feelings of longing, separation and grief.

Have you ever loved so much that tears run from your eyes? Now tears of grief run down my face and open up to love. A love that is almost like a new born baby, so utterly vulnerable, in need of care and warmth. It comes as new each time. This sorrow visiting now is not really dark and heavy, because there are lots of love and tenderness to it. Yet I tend to run away. Because it makes me feel so very vulnerable, it makes tears fill the eyes. It is difficult to meet the outside world in that state, even though I feel like I lie to people when I hide inside an unseen protective shell of efficiency.

How can love also be filled with grief? I do not know. But right now I cannot really separate the two. It actually feels like the more I love, the more grief I will encounter.

So God, if you’re there listening: please, even if grief and sorrow are the followers of love, please; I will always ask for more of your love, until everything is permeated by your presence. Even the darkest corners of separation, grief and sorrow.

-m-

 

 

 

 

 

 


The Opening Of Eyes

The thinking mind can never understand what life without a center is like. It is of no use trying to grasp it like a philosophy or concept. It is a relaxation back to the natural. To that which is already here before any thoughts arising. That is not a passive or distant state of mind. On the contrary, it is life it self liberated and free to move in the most intimate and vibrant way and you are that moving creativity without anyone doing it.

The thinking mind freezes the natural and ever changing movements of life to dead objects, framed pictures, to hang on the wall as a collection. But life can never be captured and framed as memories. Not even the memories categorized as me and my life. As David Whyte puts it in the poem below:

Life is no passing memory of what has been
Nor the remaining pages of a great book waiting to be read”

When we look at life through the lens of “me” we project that feeling of separateness on every life form and we perceive a world of separate individuals. When the lens of “me” relaxes and we sink back into being, the world changes and is experienced more as a living weave of interconnectedness. Even more relaxed there is really only one life moving, expressing as all this diversity, and you are that life. Not as an idea or a philosophy but as an existential truth, without anyone in particular experiencing it. It simply is.

Awakening is the opening of the eyes behind the lens of “me”. Or to be more precise, those eyes were never closed. That seeing was simply identified with the narrow lens it was looking through.

– Richard –


The Opening of Eyes

That day I saw beneath dark clouds
The passing light over the water
And I heard the voice of the world speak out
I knew then as I have before
Life is no passing memory of what has been
Nor the remaining pages of a great book
Waiting to be read

 It is the opening of eyes long closed
It is the vision of far off things
Seen for the silence they hold
It is the heart after years of secret conversing
Speaking out loud in the clear air

 It is Moses in the desert fallen to his knees
Before the lit bush
It is the man throwing away his shoes
As if to enter heaven and finding himself astonished
Opened at last
Fallen in love
With Solid Ground

 ~  David Whyte ~

 

Why is there suffering in the world?

The short answer to this is that there are no suffering. But that is not very helpful and would rather piss people of since there obviously are a lot of people experiencing suffering in the world. So, it is not a question about if we should help people or not, that is suffering or is in pain. Of course should we help! I am not talking about that. I am talking about the very nature of suffering and if there is any relieve from that to be found.

First of all, enlightenment is not an escape from pain and suffering. Quite contrary, it is a deep dive into the core of suffering until you can’t separate your self from the experience of suffering. It is total intimacy. To be more precise, the resistance to pain is the very cause of suffering. We could call that separation. The no to what is, which splits up reality into a sense of a “me” that resists an experience. The other way around, without separation there is no suffering. Pain, yes, that is an inevitable ingredient of life but without separation, without rejecting what is, there is really no suffering to be found in the very moment here and now. To suffer you need to resist what is and create separation, the sense of a me, and then create a story around this me that are suffering. That is what Buddha called “dukkha” and he discovered that the remedy to suffering is the realization that there is no me, that separation is an illusion. That doesn’t mean that you move away to some higher state of consciousness, it simply means what it says.

But what about all the people that are suffering in the world? Children that are starving and being abused, wars and violence!  Well, sitting under a tree and meditate will not help anyone but from “no separation”, from a total intimacy with what ever moves in life, even with sexual abuse, starvation, war and violence the chance to help is so much greater because you move as a natural response of compassion and not from resistance or rejection. Because you have realized that there is nothing separate from you and this is felt as love because essentially everything is who you are and you move as an ongoing recognition of that.

Maybe this still pisses someone of but remember that it is not some philosophy, religion or lofty spiritual discourse. It is simply a direct experience on the nature of suffering and the only way to know if its true or not is to check it out for your self … as a real life investigation!

-r-

 

The Me melting away into We.

A few days before Christmas Eve a new focus arose in our awareness:

“What is it that WE really want, the both of us?”

For those of you who know our story, I know this may sound pretty peculiar. To others it may even sound strange, as if a theme at all to consider. To us it was, to me it is.

This simple question dived deep into our consciousness and created a lot of changes.

To me this question contains a new way of being in relationship with my beloved, and with my self.   I have of course been in relationships before, I’ve been married, been living together, been a lover, you know the story. And all the way I either considered it being a ‘we’ or I longed for a ‘we’ to happen.  I was just so wrong! Now I am quite astonished; How can I, after all those years, have missed out on anything as simple as this?

I guess I know the answer; I was not ready to dive deep enough. I was living in my dream of a ‘we’, in what I thought was a ‘we’.  In the projection of me. Now I see that the truth was far away: In all my relationships, I have lived a ‘we’ from the ‘me’ perspective. It has been two ‘me’ trying to be a ‘we’. No wonder there were misunderstanding, misbelieves, insecurity. Two ‘me’s can never be a ‘we’! Two ‘me’s will always seek positioning, they have no other way than being in opposition.

I have had many thoughts about what a ‘we’ is, but never been able to feel the ‘we’-energy. Suddenly this feeling arose as from nowhere… it feels to me like a solid energy inside. Round, heavy in its lightness. Physical, yet not. A safe place. A wholeness inside.

First it came as a meeting of two ‘me’s. Then it changed, and become a solid we-energy.

I must say; I cried. I felt overwhelmed. Shaken. In the beginning it was difficult to admit the failure, that I had missed out on the whole game of relationship ALL the TIME! And my ego-mind did not want to change. I could hear myself talk as before, from the me- state- of-being-with-you. Even when we physically and in fact had done things together, I managed to say; ”I have done”….  So Totally Embarrassing! How I step on the man I love, out of habit, out of unconsciousness. How the mind excludes. Guilt and sorrow hand in hand. Richard; I’m so sorry, for what I have said and done that might have hurt you. I really don’t mean to. I really don’t want to. You are my perfect Guru. I love you as I love life itself.

The depths of this ‘we’ continues to astonish me. It is pushing me over the hilltop. It ended up as something the mind do not want to accept; the falling away of the ‘we’.

Two days ago, in the evening, enough trust was there. Once again feeling into the ‘we’ – energy it started to change. The ‘we’ melted away. Into a solid “no-we.” No me. No we. Into oneness. I felt happy. Not for anything. Just a quiet happiness. Mind said; “I guess this is dying. “

The next day reactions came; ZIP! I was in a state of protection and fear, disconnected. Feeling outside myself, trying to cope, to pull myself together. No good strategy! Richard came home. I guess he has an emotion- x-ray- radar inside. Pinpointing me again. Tears again.  I started a conversation with my mind. Assuring it that it would not be left alone, kind of.

The ego-mind went frantic crazy; “ Ok, I can accept a ‘we’ if there is not to be a ‘me’. But not a ‘we’ either? NO WAY!  I will give you a hell of a lot of everything you don’t like, if you as much as TRY to exclude me from the show! I will give you sadness, frustration, anger, depression, everything! No Problem!”

Phew. That’s the case. Thank you. Falling into peace again.

That night when I closed my eyes I had a hard time knowing if the world was still there.  I felt his body with my hands, but it was all as new. The memory from the eyes was gone. I knew he was there, as before, and yet, not. When closing my eyes the world disappeared, it ceased to exist, and I knew; the world as I knew it, had all the time only been in my mind.

A funny situation in all this; I said; “I love you” to Richard. And I really had to laugh, it was such a comedy; there was no one there to say this to. No other “me” part. No one outside of me. He was not apart from me. The “we” was total, an empty space of aliveness. The words kind of lingered in this empty space, trying to return back home, but there where no one to greet them welcome here either! What a funny situation; saying “I love you” to no one and my self at the same time!

What is a relationship when there is no two?  What am I when the world is not? No wonder the mind is afraid. It is dying. This is the dying of the world, as I know it to be.

I bow to life and death in all of its greatness.

No I have some Temple stuff to tend to. Thank you.

-m-

 

A Tantric experience of Sound.

How unexpected!

I have had no real connection with sound before. Sound was very often too much, annoying, disturbing, unpleasant, — or of course, very pleasant for a while, as for everybody else, music can make me feel good, or give other emotional reactions. I love dancing. I know of and have even tried sound healing. But this time sound was so very different.

We were heading out to look for new speakers for our group- and Temple rooms.  I went along, for a nice trip to town, Christmas shopping, etc. I was not sure of whether we would bring any speakers with us home. I did not expect this to happen as it did. I expected in fact nothing.

We listened and listened. To one, two, three, four, five different speakers with or without sub woof.  I started to understand something about sound. They were all Ok, in different ways.  Not easy to choose!

Then, in another room were some other speakers. Not of those “elegantly fitting the room” kind of speakers, but Solid, Black. The sales man placed the CD, the same song came out. Something I’ve never experienced with sound before started to happen. I had to turn away, embarrassed. Trying to stop the reaction. No use. I was cut open. Tears running down my cheeks. Not possible to hide, I did no longer want to either. I could not. The whole body reacted and I got so warm! Off with the scarf. Off with the coat. Off with the inner scarf, off with the jacked. Every cell of my body reacted. The sound made me tremble inside, feeling so vulnerable and so alive. So deeply moved. No resistance left. By that time I knew, this was The Loud Speakers! They were talking directly to my body. A special frequency hitting, cutting open, going straight to my heart.

I did not care about the cost, I thought they might be very expensive, but what the hell… I didn’t care.  It was in fact the other way around, they were the cheapest solution of what we had listened to and looked at as solutions! Oh, what a lucky day!

We paid and walked out. I tried to talk about this to Richard, very difficult as tears run down my cheeks once again just by opening up to this.  So he talked and I listened. To ideas of speakers “talking to the mind” and speakers “talking to the body”. I had never known! Now the body knows, now I know.

And the ball continued at home. No dinner yet! No way! Connecting speakers to amplifier. MORE MUSIC! Oh lord! - what a world of sound! First carefully… same reaction when a certain frequency hits me. A certain base. Tears again. Heat again. Then, louder and louder. Dancing! Vibrating!  I was pulsating with sound!

I could no longer tell the difference between me and the sound, the sound out there and the sound in here. Being sound!

Turned it to its max. Silence in the sound. “… like a virgin”… I cried, like a virgin freshly opened to love.  I felt the house vibrating, the floor, the heavy brick walls. The roof.  I was one with the house. I just knew, the house was happy! Alive with sound! The sound filled all three floors. It must have sipped into all the corners, the dead zones.  Next day the upper floor that have felt a bit “dead” had gained life! We could actually feel it.

 

 

Well– night came, and Making Love came.  Mmmm— what a joy! The energy was … wow… the sound coming from this body was så much richer, so much deeper, with no emotions attached, just pure bodily sound! How wonderful! Richard said in the morning, making love was like making love with another woman, with rounder hips! The energy in the body is so very female, feels like a “growing into something”, a bodily womanhood.

 

 

 

Meditating this morning I heard new sounds, deeper base levels coming through, and the vibration from the speakers and my out breath hit the same level, or frequency, pulsating, vibrating together.

What a joyous feeling!

I’ve found “my sound”,

I’ve found my OHM.

m-

Conflict and Control. Or the strange loops of Life.


I was raised to be independent in terms of income and working situation. My mother divorced when I was just a little girl, as I remember, my brother and I was for several years the only children at our school with divorced parents.

My mother lived alone and worked hard to support us, and to make sure we had a nice home and everything needed.  I learned how to twist the money to make them last.

I graduated, started teaching, and was soon in a secure job. I married. I left that job, after many ifs and buts, to be home with my three children. It was not very easy to say goodbye to the self-image of the independent one.

I divorced.

I started working again. I regained my self -supportive -independent-self-image. In many ways it grew stronger than before. It had to. I had to survive and support my children, give them a nice home at their mom’s place.  Story in repeat, just another actor.

Life went on. I quit job, I moved, got a new job. Came back, found new jobs. I managed. It was though oftentimes, but I managed. I was economically independent. Not rich, far from, I had to twist the money to get by.

Well, I have moved again. Now I have no income. This has been quite ok for a while, just because I have been floating on the extras caused by a successful real estate transaction. Looking into my bank account now, I almost get depressed, a bit worried at least, as the figures I see is not exactly increasing. Soon we have to live on one income only.

This situation brings forth old and rather well known ghosts from the psyche. Usually they have come one by one, speaking to me one by one. Now they come in herds, with voices like a repetitive choir!

I feel guilty because Richard will be the one provider with all the economic responsibility.  It is not fair! A voice inside saying; this was not the deal! But actually there was no such deal, or was there? I’m not sure. Confusion ahead!

Punishing my self; may be I have not been good enough at promoting my self? Getting clients, or go out and about applying for jobs… I should have done more… sigh.. !

But, Helloo’o! it is not that easy! Wake up! The Self justifying Voice.

Childish voice vs Adult voice, as this one;  a very well known one: “One has to work!“ And work has to be hard, one has to deserve the income, may be by being exhausted, or bored or what ever.  Against the childish voice screaming in opposition:  “ It can’t be so! It must be possible to earn money AND to have fun and not get passed out!

Voices at war.

And I don’t know which to listen to.

And I don’t know which of them is true.

Most probably none.. .. and therefore .. well…. You know, the show must go on! And on, and on, until I get so tired of it all that the mind just collapse.

Richard said something. He is so wise sometimes, or very often, in fact.

“ You know, it is about giving it the right energy. Just like when we arrange events. “

Yes, fine, but how to give energy to something that is not yet there? Hmmm…. it has to be to the willingness itself, then? To the idea of me having that particular kind of job that fills my days with pleasure and ease, and makes me satisfied and not exhausted, and brings me enough money too.  It will have to be to give energy and light to a dream that I have yet not fully seen, to make it come true, to make it alive.

Can I surrender into the not knowing of how this will turn out? Can I let go of the wanting to control it all? Can I fully let go of the old patterns of fear that runs the show and image of independency? Am I able to trust that life has so much more to offer if I just don’t hang on to it all?

To be honest, I don’t know yet. I can only try. I really want to know if I can.. .. Oh!… a very tiny, soft little voice comes saying; “yes, I can.. I believe I can…”

Can I let this voice in and let it grow strong? Strong enough for me not to silence it?

It is a bit scary giving up control…

m-

Kali Celebration!

Goddess Kali came visiting the other day. Now she has ruled our ground for a while, and as a result of this, we would like to explore and share her powers together with you!

It is the dark time of the year and we would love to see a gathering of people willing to share and embrace their shadow side. In a safe space we are challenged to be radical honest of what are lurking in our darkest corners and to receive that with love in our hearts. We invite you to get close to Kali!

Very often people seem to avoid the Kali power. Spiritual communities often tend to go for light, love and peace. Nice indeed, but something is missing. That’s just half the show! Why are we afraid of Kali? What is it we don’t want to see and acknowledge?

Kali is the Goddess of time, creation, death and discrimination between what arises from ego and pure consciousness. Fearlessly she cuts away our false believes, our images and our identifications, our ego minds, telling us to go the “headless way”, which means beyond thought and imagination. Her necklace of 50 sculls is telling the story of victories over separation.

Just looking at images of the Goddess Kali might be scaring. She is portrayed with a cut off bleeding head in her hand, and a sword in the other. This is the head of a wrathful demon, a symbol of our hidden aspects of the psyche.
She is naked, because any identification or mask will be destroyed by her powers. Her skin is black or dark blue as the night, and as all colors disappear in black, so does all names and forms disappear in her.

For those who seek the truth, Kali is the symbol of the Divine Mother. Although she challenges our sense of separation and makes us tremble, she do this out of love and compassion with her children. Her open hand tells us not to fear. She is indeed the mercyfull mother.

She is shown standing upon her blissful husband Shiva. Shiva is pure cosmic consciousness, and Kali is cosmic energy. No creation is possible without their union. Shiva cannot manifest without the power of Kali, and Kali cannot function without the consciousness of Shiva.

We invite you to spend a weekend in our house, to explore,
come closer to and embrace your own shadow sides.

When: 2012, February 10. –  February 12.
Time start: Friday at 19.00

Where: “ Ambassaden i Åmål”, Karlbergsvägen 6, 66230 Åmål, Sweden.
Time ending: Sunday at ab 14.00
Cost: 1000.- Skr, food included.
Food: we serve delicious vegetarian food, incl diary products.
If you have any special needs according to food, please tell in advance.
Lodging: we can offer a few beds in shared rooms :  300.-  Skr, or we can provide you with a mattress in our temple rooms, as a dormitory: 150.-  Skr. We have pillows and blankets. For additional 50.- Skr we can provide you with bedding. Bring your own towel for shower and sauna.
There are also nice sleeping facilities nearby, in the picturesque little town of Åmål.
“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”
- Jesus Christ,
The Gospel of Thomas
Be welcome!
With love and anticipation,
Mette & Richard.

Abundance.

This simple word has never really been integrated in my vocabulary. Not until today.

This date, 11.11.11

Oh, it is so many ways that people relate to this!  I am a bit cynical to it all. It is just a date in the calendar. But I kept the door open. After all, one never knows.. ..

Then suddenly something happened. I read a post saying: “Set your intentions for abundance the 11.11.11. “ I didn’t care so much about the figures as for the words. No, The Word.

ABUNDANCE!

WOW!

Abundance in every way, in heart and soul, moneywise, at work.

IN LIFE!

Why Not?

I saw I’ve never really allowed abundance before. On the surface, yes. Somehow I thought deep down that this was not for me. Others may be rich, wealthy, have all they needs and more, met. Rationalizing: I don’t have it in me. I don’t understand business, or politics. Also this “being better than”-way of thought: my relation to money is not of that greedy kind. Or; I don’t care. I manage somehow. I thought in fact that if I came to experience abundance, it would have to be through others, like a hard working husband, an heritage, and not trough my self. Nope. Just forget it.

Truth is more like this:  Denial and restraining.  I did not love my self enough. I did not believe in my self, in my potential, “Who do you think you are?” I was not worthy of this. I was making my self way too small. Truth is that the abundance-point in me was a dry&dead spot. No attention given,- Gosh no, that’s not even worth a try! I was not in contact.

NOW:

Suddenly my body was sooo happy! The old ways of thinking gone. Immediately I wanted to create abundance. To feel the abundance. To be abundant. I wanted to light a candle for abundance. But not an ordinary candle, it had to be something for just this special occasion. In my mind I saw something reeaallyy swell, something rich, an overflowing- something-kind of candle light arrangement, an alter for a goddess of light, yeah, you know.

With this in my mind, I went to town, seeking. What I brought home surprised me.

Some sweeeeties! Small figures of elf children, holding flowers and apples! Quite childish, and so innocent.  They made me smile and giggle. How cute! Here they are:

 

                                                                       “garden of innocence”

Of course;

Abundance IS innocent! It comes from the very core of life’s natural giving flow.

We are born out of abundance. Life IS abundance. Love is abundance. A very small child lives in abundance, mother is there, food is there, later the child plays and knows no limits to imagination, to reality’s possibilities. Somehow, out of this came the knowing that this is not just for me. The feeling is; it’s for everyone! Absolutely Everyone! I know it’s possible. I don’t know how. I don’t know when. And I can’t explain it rationally. But in my heart I know. It is possible. It is the natural way. The way it is supposed to be.

Opening up to abundance now. Bring it on, baby!

Here I am, all ready and willing to live the abundance!

-m-

( Illustrations honestly stolen from: unwelcomeguest.net. , globalspiritualmarket.com )

Tantra- Oh my….

My poor head is running over with words on tantra. I can’t sleep but I’m getting to understand my reactions bit by bit.

I’ve been reading a lost of posts about tantra lately. Honestly, it makes me both frustrated and curious. Feelings of being alienated, like; Is it only me that experiences it this way? Huh – What is going on here? Why do I feel they are on some kind of mission? I can’t stand “missioning”! Sometimes it all makes me feel small and insecure. Is it something wrong with me who don’t get the clue here? What is it that I don’t understand? Sure, I haven’t read all the books about tantra. I don’t think I will either, a few is enough. But who knows? And I get angry too… What the f.. is this?- what a load of separation-driven theories! Please, give me a brake. And once again I stick my finger into the wasp nest. Never learn, do I?

What I find most interesting with all of this is my own reactions to it all. There must be something going on beneath the surface. Why am I writing when I know it will make disturbance? What am I defending? Protecting? What is it that wants to be seen now? A part of me wants to stand up for what I know to be the truth for me. I’ve been hiding enough in my life.  Another part of me gets so damned frustrated by all this mind business – as if there is a war going on.

So…. What am I defending?

It is simply this;

The innocence.

And this is something so tangible and delicate, something not yet fully born inside. Something I cant really pinpoint or touch.

It’s like this;

I have been to different tantra classes and so. Nice of course, and very interesting. I’ve learned a lot, and experienced a lot. I have broken down fears and believes, I’ve blossomed, opened up and integrated. Thank you life for giving me the opportunities to do this! It has been wonderful! I guess, I will tend to more classes or workshops too, but right now it feels as if I can’t give it a 100 percent. Something in me is done with all these peak experiences that often comes with the tantric lessons. Been there done that-kind of feeling. I can’t forever go on chasing the peak experiences what ever they are about. There is a shift going on inside towards something not yet born, something more soft. I need to find my true way, “my tantric way” and be the woman I was born to be.  I guess that’s why I let my self be tickled by all the different views, so that I will have the chance to dive into this matter over and over again until it’s clear. So, thank you also for provoking me, making my head spin.

Another problem is when talking about tantra is this: when I say Tantra, I probably mean something else than you do as we by our experiences and our ways of being in life, our personalities, brings different connotation into it. So it is with everything. Take for instance the word Door. This simple word can bring forth many different pictures, labels or memories. It can be a physical door. Read, brown, white… It may be a door to heaven, or to hell. It may be a closed door, or an open door. It may mean an opening to something. And so on.

So well… This I’ve come to understand: tantra may be a set of techniques. It may be a religion. It may be a way to bliss. It may be a way to spiritual experiences, or to awakening of the kundalini power. It may be “the right way” to some. It may be a way of intimate relating with your partner.  It may be red tantra, white tantra, black tantra and shamanistic tantra. It may be a way to full body orgasms. It may be a way to intense experiences. It may be healing. And it may be none of this.

This I know:

1: To me tantra is not a lot of techniques. Techniques might be helpful, but in the end, one has to let go of them. The technique is not the experience it self, and it may even block your ability to be in the present experience, because you fight the present moment in search of something else. Let’s say you go out biking. Then the bike is to be compared to the techniques. It may help give you a wonderful tour, but it is not the tour, and this experience won’t last. One day you cast away that bike you’ve spent so much time with, to go with a motorbike instead, hoping this will bring you what the old vehicle couldn’t.

So when I read about techniques and ways of doing tantra as better than something else, you’ve lost me. I can be curious about what they might bring, but I can’t really depend on them, they are just vehicles. It might also be wise to check out some different “bikes”, so that “I know what I’m talking about.” If I feel the need to.

2: To me tantra is not religion. Religion is a belief system. I can’t relate to something I have to believe in. That’s blurry business to me. Believes creates duality. It’s mind business. Religion is a system of rules, techniques, promises or threats. Something fixed & boxed, right or wrong, true or false, do and don’ts.  And a lot of ifs.  One can turn everything into a religion. Count me out. To me, Tantra is but nothing of all this. I really love the deities, but I don’t need a religion for that.

3: Today I will say: To me tantra is a longing. A deep longing and an answer to this longing at the same time. It is the longing itself. It is a willingness. It is a surrender. It is awareness. It is a willingness to absolute honesty of the moment.

I find it very difficult to explain tantra. But think I will say like this:

When I love a person, the most intimate in this is not the me nor the other. Not the object of the love, neither is it the experience of an “us”. The most intimate in this is the experience of loving, of love it self. The pure experience of being that love.

4: To me tantra is a way of life. A way of living. A way of being in life.

I’m a tantric being. Tantra came naturally along with gradually awakening. Life is tantric in its core essence. Being is tantra and Life is nothing but an ongoing experience, so why fight the moment?

I’ve come to experience life more and more in a tantric way. To me, every feeling and emotion is a tantric experience. When I surrender to what is, it is a feeling of delight also in the troublesome feelings, in boredom, in frustration, in anger – oh yes! And in grief too.

That’s how I live my life- as fully as I can. To welcome life as it comes to me. (mind you, I’m far from “perfect”. Still got way to go.. ..)  And that’s how I make love too, as fully as I can in that particular moment. Tantra is a lot about making love! I love making love, and I recognize that when I “want it this or that way”, let’s say I want an orgasm to happen, then I’m lost. I’m not here now, not present, I’m in the future. The changes from one state to another may be very subtle, so I don’t always feel it happen.  Orgasms are nice, sure. It may happen and it may not. Fine either way, because to me, tantra is not about achieving, not about a goal in the future. When I am in the moment, I enjoy so much more the fine currents of energy flowing, changing inside and between. What a delicate feeling it is to feel every cell of my body pulsating, alive, being the aliveness itself. (but I actually don’t need making love for that… I feel it right now too) The dance between the lovers can be soft and tender, or it can be wrathful wrestling, it may be the beast coming to show, or angel’s wings touching my heart. There may be explosions of energy bursting, I never know. But if or when I have a goal, probably nothing of this will be. And the more I let go of wanting, the more I feel my partner also. It is first when I totally let go that the duality cease to exist, and oneness is. For this I need no other “vehicle” than presence and trust.

 

Sitting reading what I’ve written, thinking “who cares bout this? “ well… I do. And there is a voice in me saying; hopefully I’ve not offended anyone. If I have… well, then I have.

This is my way of tantra. And this is my experience. I know God out of experience. That I can relate to. I haven’t just read about him in a book somewhere. I don’t have to believe anymore. I’m done with that. Thank Lord!

I guess I’m lucky. I don’t know. It was sweet to believe as long as I had to. Sometimes I miss that dreaming… but what I feel, deep down, is truly gratefulness over this miracle that I’ve come to know life to be. I could just as well have written “love” to be. But that again is so filled with so many different connotations. And here we go again.

Tantra is … Love for Life!

me as baby

-m-