January 4, 2012
The Me melting away into We. 0
A few days before Christmas Eve a new focus arose in our awareness:
“What is it that WE really want, the both of us?”
For those of you who know our story, I know this may sound pretty peculiar. To others it may even sound strange, as if a theme at all to consider. To us it was, to me it is.
This simple question dived deep into our consciousness and created a lot of changes.
To me this question contains a new way of being in relationship with my beloved, and with my self. I have of course been in relationships before, I’ve been married, been living together, been a lover, you know the story. And all the way I either considered it being a ‘we’ or I longed for a ‘we’ to happen. I was just so wrong! Now I am quite astonished; How can I, after all those years, have missed out on anything as simple as this?
I guess I know the answer; I was not ready to dive deep enough. I was living in my dream of a ‘we’, in what I thought was a ‘we’. In the projection of me. Now I see that the truth was far away: In all my relationships, I have lived a ‘we’ from the ‘me’ perspective. It has been two ‘me’ trying to be a ‘we’. No wonder there were misunderstanding, misbelieves, insecurity. Two ‘me’s can never be a ‘we’! Two ‘me’s will always seek positioning, they have no other way than being in opposition.
I have had many thoughts about what a ‘we’ is, but never been able to feel the ‘we’-energy. Suddenly this feeling arose as from nowhere… it feels to me like a solid energy inside. Round, heavy in its lightness. Physical, yet not. A safe place. A wholeness inside.
First it came as a meeting of two ‘me’s. Then it changed, and become a solid we-energy.
I must say; I cried. I felt overwhelmed. Shaken. In the beginning it was difficult to admit the failure, that I had missed out on the whole game of relationship ALL the TIME! And my ego-mind did not want to change. I could hear myself talk as before, from the me- state- of-being-with-you. Even when we physically and in fact had done things together, I managed to say; ”I have done”…. So Totally Embarrassing! How I step on the man I love, out of habit, out of unconsciousness. How the mind excludes. Guilt and sorrow hand in hand. Richard; I’m so sorry, for what I have said and done that might have hurt you. I really don’t mean to. I really don’t want to. You are my perfect Guru. I love you as I love life itself.
The depths of this ‘we’ continues to astonish me. It is pushing me over the hilltop. It ended up as something the mind do not want to accept; the falling away of the ‘we’.
Two days ago, in the evening, enough trust was there. Once again feeling into the ‘we’ – energy it started to change. The ‘we’ melted away. Into a solid “no-we.” No me. No we. Into oneness. I felt happy. Not for anything. Just a quiet happiness. Mind said; “I guess this is dying. “
The next day reactions came; ZIP! I was in a state of protection and fear, disconnected. Feeling outside myself, trying to cope, to pull myself together. No good strategy! Richard came home. I guess he has an emotion- x-ray- radar inside. Pinpointing me again. Tears again. I started a conversation with my mind. Assuring it that it would not be left alone, kind of.
The ego-mind went frantic crazy; “ Ok, I can accept a ‘we’ if there is not to be a ‘me’. But not a ‘we’ either? NO WAY! I will give you a hell of a lot of everything you don’t like, if you as much as TRY to exclude me from the show! I will give you sadness, frustration, anger, depression, everything! No Problem!”
Phew. That’s the case. Thank you. Falling into peace again.
That night when I closed my eyes I had a hard time knowing if the world was still there. I felt his body with my hands, but it was all as new. The memory from the eyes was gone. I knew he was there, as before, and yet, not. When closing my eyes the world disappeared, it ceased to exist, and I knew; the world as I knew it, had all the time only been in my mind.
A funny situation in all this; I said; “I love you” to Richard. And I really had to laugh, it was such a comedy; there was no one there to say this to. No other “me” part. No one outside of me. He was not apart from me. The “we” was total, an empty space of aliveness. The words kind of lingered in this empty space, trying to return back home, but there where no one to greet them welcome here either! What a funny situation; saying “I love you” to no one and my self at the same time!
What is a relationship when there is no two? What am I when the world is not? No wonder the mind is afraid. It is dying. This is the dying of the world, as I know it to be.
I bow to life and death in all of its greatness.
No I have some Temple stuff to tend to. Thank you.
-m-
