August 23, 2011
I was not prepared for this Love. 0
On my way to my father, I told my young son; “ There are two major and most important events in a human life. First when you are born, and then when you die.” He nodded, he understood.It was physically painful, my chest ached. I was completely set aside, feeling so vulnerable, so opened, and so merged with this total embrace of heart. I sat there, by his bed, no words needed. I had found what I had longed for all my life.
The true unconditional love between father and daughter. The love that survives life. Love beyond the words. Tears are still falling when I´m remembering this now, some weeks later. What up to then was considered important absolutely lost its relevance.
For many reasons I had not felt his love in my life before. There had been a lot of other feelings down the road. Harsh feelings. Soft feelings. Rejection. Tenderness. Longing. Strong feelings. Ignored feelings. Painful and joyful feelings. They all came passing by like on a widescreen. All fading in this light from my dying fathers heart.
The sorrow, sweetened by this great love is still here.
I was not prepared for this either. The sorrow itself I cannot speak about. Like love, it has no words. What I was not prepared for was everything that comes with this. Sorrow started even before he died. Sorrow came when I sat there, watching over him, holding his hands, knowing there was not anything I could do to help him, to sooth or heal. I would have done anything, and I felt so utterly powerless. Doing nothing, but being there. Yet knowing; this is enough.
We sat there by his bed, holding his hands and body, following him on his great journey towards death, unafraid. Death you have to meet all by your self, but he was not alone. We were in this with him. As the death process went on, the space around him grew larger and larger, becoming more and more peaceful. I followed his soul to the end of my possibility. Death was beautiful, merciful. I found no real boarder between life and death. Yes, he stopped breathing, his heart stopped pulsating. Before this his life force energy slowly pulled back from skin, organs, extremities, until there was just a fragment of life left. Slowly he pulled back from life, consciously meeting death.
Later I understood I had split off a part of my soul, my consciousness were partly with him, lingering in this space before “the place of no return”. It took some days to come back to my self again.
Being with him as he died, and the days before, was a true gift. I do not know if I have ever loved so deeply in my life before. I just know this: I´ve always loved him. Though I sometimes thought otherwise. I will always love him. Not for anything he has done. Just for being my father, that’s enough.
I remember, when we talked, he always asked me “what about love?” Then one day he said; “you know, love is the most important of all.” He was not a man of many words.
Thank you.
Rest in peace.
m-
