May 30, 2011

I´m not that kind of woman” ¹

by Mette • Okategoriserade

Right now I just love this expression!

It allows me to be exactly the one I am,

not the one you think I am,

or the one I think you want me to be.

Today I randomly opened a book written by Barry Magid, called ”ENDING THE PERSUIT OF HAPPINESS”, a zen guide.

I read:

“ New students are sometimes surprised to discover I am not a “nice” Buddhist. There is a movie from a while back, Michael, in which John Travolta plays an angel with filthy, scruffy feathers and slovenly habits. Someone incredulously asks how he can be that way if he´s really an angel. He replies: I´m not that kind of angel”. To anyone who has too many perceptions about how a Buddhist ought to behave, I can only say : I´m not that kind of Buddhist. “

This made me think for a while, and feel into my own thoughts about my own appearance. What do I believe about my self? How am I acting in the world?

Earlier I have often thought my self to be like a chameleon, you know, the one who disguises it self by color changing. I used to be like that. Who ever I met, I somehow changed to fit. In that way I can be whatever…almost. This openness to the other can be a very good social skill, when used to meet the other where the other is. It is a part of empathy. And one can make the other feel comfortable and safe with you too. But when it derives from fear, out of my own discomfort with my self, it is not a very ok way. Then it takes away the possibility of being real and authentic. I ended up being the picture of me, the one I thought you wanted me to be, or the one I thought I had to be, and not the real woman. I was not walking in my own shoes, but in yours. I´m not so sure you want to have me there…..it feels a bit tight, doesn’t it?

Something has changed and I have come to see much of the patterns in this and how I have tried to live up to other peoples expectations, or what I thought they expected from me. Today I am more aware of the different personalities playing around. I feel more ok with them now that I know them, we can even have a chat now and then. Somehow they have accepted not ruling the stage as much as before.

Now, all I want, is to be the one that I am, to live truthfully and honestly, all and foremost to my self, and by that, to you. Not pretending to be someone I am not. In being authentic there is a great deal of self-love, which I did not have access earlier.  Now I trust the heart to show me the way even deeper into my self, so that I can stand on my own two feet, solidly and firmly on the ground, in my own shoes.

-m-