November 30, 2011

Conflict and Control. Or the strange loops of Life. ¹

by Mette • Okategoriserade

I was raised to be independent in terms of income and working situation. My mother divorced when I was just a little girl, as I remember, my brother and I was for several years the only children at our school with divorced parents.

My mother lived alone and worked hard to support us, and to make sure we had a nice home and everything needed.  I learned how to twist the money to make them last.

I graduated, started teaching, and was soon in a secure job. I married. I left that job, after many ifs and buts, to be home with my three children. It was not very easy to say goodbye to the self-image of the independent one.

I divorced.

I started working again. I regained my self -supportive -independent-self-image. In many ways it grew stronger than before. It had to. I had to survive and support my children, give them a nice home at their mom’s place.  Story in repeat, just another actor.

Life went on. I quit job, I moved, got a new job. Came back, found new jobs. I managed. It was though oftentimes, but I managed. I was economically independent. Not rich, far from, I had to twist the money to get by.

Well, I have moved again. Now I have no income. This has been quite ok for a while, just because I have been floating on the extras caused by a successful real estate transaction. Looking into my bank account now, I almost get depressed, a bit worried at least, as the figures I see is not exactly increasing. Soon we have to live on one income only.

This situation brings forth old and rather well known ghosts from the psyche. Usually they have come one by one, speaking to me one by one. Now they come in herds, with voices like a repetitive choir!

I feel guilty because Richard will be the one provider with all the economic responsibility.  It is not fair! A voice inside saying; this was not the deal! But actually there was no such deal, or was there? I’m not sure. Confusion ahead!

Punishing my self; may be I have not been good enough at promoting my self? Getting clients, or go out and about applying for jobs… I should have done more… sigh.. !

But, Helloo’o! it is not that easy! Wake up! The Self justifying Voice.

Childish voice vs Adult voice, as this one;  a very well known one: “One has to work!“ And work has to be hard, one has to deserve the income, may be by being exhausted, or bored or what ever.  Against the childish voice screaming in opposition:  “ It can’t be so! It must be possible to earn money AND to have fun and not get passed out!

Voices at war.

And I don’t know which to listen to.

And I don’t know which of them is true.

Most probably none.. .. and therefore .. well…. You know, the show must go on! And on, and on, until I get so tired of it all that the mind just collapse.

Richard said something. He is so wise sometimes, or very often, in fact.

“ You know, it is about giving it the right energy. Just like when we arrange events. “

Yes, fine, but how to give energy to something that is not yet there? Hmmm…. it has to be to the willingness itself, then? To the idea of me having that particular kind of job that fills my days with pleasure and ease, and makes me satisfied and not exhausted, and brings me enough money too.  It will have to be to give energy and light to a dream that I have yet not fully seen, to make it come true, to make it alive.

Can I surrender into the not knowing of how this will turn out? Can I let go of the wanting to control it all? Can I fully let go of the old patterns of fear that runs the show and image of independency? Am I able to trust that life has so much more to offer if I just don’t hang on to it all?

To be honest, I don’t know yet. I can only try. I really want to know if I can.. .. Oh!… a very tiny, soft little voice comes saying; “yes, I can.. I believe I can…”

Can I let this voice in and let it grow strong? Strong enough for me not to silence it?

It is a bit scary giving up control…

m-