April 12, 2011
Being identified. 0
Look out for emotions!
Yesterday something happened.
I now think I found a key to something. Sounds great, huh? Now my clever ego can brag about this for a while, and I can have fun thinking about it. Hmm… no, I guess, I´m not inventing the wheel here.
But anyhow,
“The story” is about like this:
Yesterday my beloved, (I am so lucky to be with a man like you!) gave me a simple and honest statement about something that was going on. I have this habit of saying “I know” or “I kind of knew this”, or something like, as I am foretelling, knowing in advance.
Well, sometimes I do. But not so often as before. It has changed.
Anyhow, now it appears to be like a habit. May seem to be arrogant, even. Not unfriendly, more unconscious. Do the receiver want to know, or need to know what I know or think, or do they want to receive a message about what my body may be is telling me?
Considering this, I think “Nooope…. “
Fine.
But what about identification?
It sure was there! I got quite emotional over this. And luckily, he is not giving in, (he is often so damned stubborn, thank heaven!) though it on the surface seems to be a small thing.
So I cried a little, while wondering how come I react so much to this??
When a story, a true story, showed up in my mind.
I used to be strongly identified with “ the one who knows nothing, and is worth less.” This was one of my core beliefs. In order to balance this, I wished for knowing. Somehow my inner intuition slowly came awake. And to such a degree that I was surprised. What happened other than I became identified with this alluring new self! It was so much more fun and easy to be the “one who knows”—Hey! I Know! I´m King.. Don´t try and fool me, I See you, you know… Yeay! This is great fun!
My self esteem grew stronger, as my ego. This was not at all very bad or wrong. I think I needed this.
Now I DID NOT WANT TO LET GO OF THIS! Therefore the tears. Like saying goodbye to a beloved friend, a better half.
It is time to let go now.
This identification is not needed anymore. Or even worse, it stands in my way if I stick to it.
In this part of my life, moving towards “not knowing” is happening. Not knowing as in surrender. Surrender to Life. To the inner core of not knowing. To be lived more than to live.
And as my very wise beloved say:
“If I frame someone or something, I simultaneously kill him or that.” Saying, the openness and the possibilities are gone, the situation is dead. Out of the myriads of possibilities I´ve closed up on one.
May be not knowing is better after all?
But what I do know now, is that when emotions come creeping in on me, and I don’t understand nothing, its time to shovel up the sleeves and start digging. Gold ahead!
- mette-
