“In my Father’s house are many rooms”. Joh 14.2

I fell asleep last night thinking about the miracle and the challenge of letting go.

With the risk of being too private here, this is the case:

When making love, I find myself with the possibility to consciously choose to let go into orgasm. Falling deeper and deeper into the feeling of joy in the body, orgasm is not far away. And I loose myself for a while in this energy arising, in this dance of the bodies, in the emotions arising. I’m just there more or less watching, letting it all be expressed in it’s own natural way. Later, before falling asleep in my beloved’s arms, I’m pondering: How come it is so easy to let go into orgasm, and so difficult to let go into the Great Mystery?

This brought a dream to surface. It’s a lucid dream, which is I’m aware of this being a dream while dreaming. Almost the whole night I heard this voice saying: “In my Fathers Heart are many rooms”.  I knew it to be from the Bible. (I had only changed the word ‘house’ with ‘heart’) And equally many times I argued saying “In my Father’s Heart is but One Great room.“

I was in that Great Room the whole night.  In morning meditation this room was present. Open, wide, empty yet filled. OH, HOW I LOVE THIS!

How I long to be in this space as the most natural thing in the world, as the place to be and act from. And still, I fall out, or I step out. I’m at the threshold, waiting. How come it’s so difficult to fall into the Great Mystery?

I can’t fall by will. I just can’t decide it. It’s not a conscious mindy decision to make.

It has to come by Grace. May I invite that grace into my life?

Maybe I can Feel-Fall here too? Falling into orgasm feels like it is very much the same, but it is not. Orgasm is so strong, so dense in compare to these subtle layers of the Heart. I’ve fallen into orgasm so many times, my body knows the way, knows what is coming. I’ve been diving into the heart too, several times, and the experiences have been both strong and tender. Yet, there is another “level”… the final step, I can’t DO.  A deep longing arising now… and a childish voice that wants to yell, “It’s not fair! I want to fall into the Unknown too, in just the same way!”

Letting go into orgasm is an act of trust. It took years before I really could let the whole body be filled and arise in that energy explosion.  To let go into God is an act of even deeper trust.

It is easy to blame my self for not achieving this that I long for. For not “doing enough” to reach this goal of my inner longing. I know there are so many things I could have done. Gone to more retreats. Meditated even more. Listened to inspiring talks all day. Yeah, I know.. ..  but I’ve chosen differently. Not that I do not attend to some spiritual practice, but I could have done more. Will it help blaming my self, banging on my self and creating bad consciousness for this? No… no.

But what might bring on some difference is if I’m able to forgive my self deep down, for hesitating, for being afraid, for going in circles, for postponing… I won’t even promise to change. I will only forgive myself for not yet having achieved my deepest longing; to fully awaken.  And surrender to that forgiveness.


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