“I will” – or The wheel of Samsara

as it is felt from this body and soul.

This is not a love letter.
– or maybe it is… in disguise.

The story:
Years ago now, more “by accident” than by a conscious choice, I came to meet my teacher. I had by that time no clue about awakening, enlightenment or gurus. There and then I got hooked. I did not understand why, it just felt right. A longing I did not know of was answered.

What is it that pulled me to this path of awakening? What is it that keeps me here? I’ve been pondering these questions for years now.
We’ve talked about this topic now and then, Richard and me, as it goes for both of us. I’ve come up with temporary answers, answers that have felt like “hm, yeah, maybe it’s so..” inside. Like: “I wanna be holy”, ” I wanna live in peace”, “I don’t wanna die”, or “I’m afraid of death”. Thought for some time the last one was the bottom line, but no.
It’s all top layers.

Last evening,
as from nowhere, an internal flashlight hit the dark spot inside:
I simply don’t wanna reincarnate!
And with this a voice screaming inside:
I don’t wanna live this pain and this suffering and this conflicting charade and masquerade in this imprisoning body system once more. NO!!! no. no

Not that the life I’ve lived and live today is a total disaster, not at all. I’ve had my share of sorrows, and lots of love and pleasures. It’s not about that.

It’s about the pain of separation.
The separation that starts with the first thought: “I will”.
Look at the other species of this planet. Where else do you find this pain and suffering inflicted upon others arising from experiencing life as a separated entity? Nowhere. What are we up to? Who else destroys their living surroundings and calls it progress? What are we creating? What are we bringing to this planet as human beings? I’m afraid it’s not much to brag about.
And it all starts as far as I see with this one sentence: “I will”. Or “I will not”. Which basically is the same. The more I feed this “I will-thing inside” the more I feed the separation.

– I see my own resistance, my own ‘I will not’, and I’m kind of smiling at it. I see the bottom line “I will not” at full play. I’m fine with that. I will wait. Wait until the struggle disappears.  What else can I do? But I do not want to forget. I do not want to forget the longing. I can only surrender into what is here right now, and feel it fully. No hiding from the pain. Not again. not again…

I see no reason for living this alienated-from-my-self-ness-life once more.
I’ve travelled lifetimes here on Earth. I remember. I also remember the being and feeling in the “in between”….

So, Please, please…

Please God, if you listen, please. Let me off the wheel.

I just want to come home. I want to give up the fight.
Please. Help me. I can’t do this alone. I don’t know how.


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