Last days & weeks I have felt rather like heavy and “dead” inside, like being in a waiting position. No energy to do anything in particular, actually. Not really interested or inspired, not angry, not really amused, not really anything. Glimpses of light, of course… but So Absolutely not Me! Knowing that this sorrow & grief cannot only be mine… I waited.
I’d been cleansing the body for a week. Felt that I needed to do so, to raise the energy again. Maybe that was of help too. Well, I don’t know for sure.
Anyhow, I came home yesterday evening, needed to dance & to meditate, ending with sauna, to get all the encounters of the day out of body.
Then I saw or felt a “grief-line” going from my fathers father, to my father, to me, to my son… Totally accepting this, releasing with a deep sigh and soft tears.
Later, I was going to bed, thinking about sex, actually… but that was definitively not to happen! Now came the time for the spiritual cleans, the healing of deep wounds.
-Before I continue, I have to praise my beloved Richard, whom with his presence meets everything that comes, openhearted. He was with me in this too… I love him endlessly! –
What was to be released came from the depths of my being, from the core of my backbones, from my heart. I neither could nor wanted to resist it as it unfolded itself.
The trauma of my grandfathers death- whom I never met-, as he drowned during the WW2, his ship being hit by a missile in a convoy attack. I felt his shock, the drowning. I drowned. The fear, the pain, and the physical clinging to something while going down… into the waters…. and finally; death. ”I” was dead. Breathing stopped. Slowly, slowly I came back to my self again… being held by Richard. After a while I fell asleep in his loving arms, quite exhausted.
It was a strange night, dreams of light and darkness at the same time. Only this, darkness and light.
Today I feel much lighter, but I am also very tired. It feels as if I’ve been working overtime! But also, for the first time in weeks I feel a new kind of energy. An energy with more outgoing direction than before. More alive. A relief.
the still surface on the well of grief
to the place that we can not breathe
the source from which we drink
the secret water cold and clear
the small gold coins
thrown by those who wished for something else
The sorrow and grief of my father… of loosing his father while still a young boy.
The mourning widow, my grandmother.
The grief of my father when divorced, not being with his children, “Loosing us”.
My own and my brother’s grief for “loosing our father” in that divorce. (we saw him rather seldom)
My own grief and my youngest son’s grief for loosing the daily contact, as he lives with his father.
My 3 other children’s grief after my divorce from their father, years ago…
My prayer is:
May these broken hearts be healed for all generations to come.
May it take what ever is needed.