When you’re on the top of the mountain, you have to climb down again.
Silly me hoped to stay up there, detached from the world, feeling all fine, in love with the experience of ‘the moment’ and detachment. That’s not the way it goes. That’s just half the journey. I had to come back to meet the world. And this includes meeting grief.
It comes as a wave, rolling into my consciousness.
Months ago there was a friend saying to me; “You act as if you are all happy and fine, but you are not”. I didn’t like what I heard. Of course I was happy ! – , but my father had died not long ago. Somewhere inside I knew he was right, and somewhere inside I knew that it was not only because of my father. I just did not want to look at it at that time. I was too busy with being happy, I guess.
It came knocking when I least expected it to.
I do not know what it is about any longer. It used to have a name, like ‘death’, or ‘separation from my beloved ones’, …. But now there are no names any more.
Just this; grief and love. Hand in hand they walk, comes visiting my heart and body. Turns away for a while and comes knocking again.
In the beginning it was mostly dark sorrow and grief. I cried silent tears, from my eyes and from my heart. I quite felt heavy inside. Tired. Oftentimes I did not even notice its appearance. Not until Richard said “Oh, there is so much sorrow in your eyes”, and yes, it was. It was right there, all the time, yet often invisible to me.
In a way I felt trapped. I thought I had mourned what was to be mourned so far in my life. But apparently not. I have come to understand that a lot of what have happened in life I had not mourned. There was no time for that back then. Life had asked of me to cope with daily life’s struggles. I was tangled up in relationships, broken relationships, broken dreams, new love affaires, children and childbirth, just to mention some of it, and the struggle for food and living, having to be strong. And yet I was a bit surprised. And as it persisted on staying, I wondered; for how long will I have to mourn? For how long will this sorrow stay with me? I did not know. I still don’t. I only know that something is changing.
I decided to befriend the grief. To make friends with mourning. Because who knows; maybe it will be like this for ever, so I might just as well stop fighting it and get used to it’s presence. I do not know exactly how, but I guess something happened when I saw that grief and love comes hand in hand. Once I felt the softness of grieving it was no longer so heavy. I could in fact in a strange way enjoy it! It is the language of the heart.
The deeper the love and affection is, the more grief. This is natural, isn’t it? If I don’t love, there is nothing to mourn either. No loss, actually.
So I addressed my heart, and welcomed grief as a sign of love. Oh, I love so very much! So therefore, maybe, I have to grieve very much too?… until it is all dissolved. If it ever will be. Then one day I sat contemplating this love & grief-thing, suddenly I was not able to find any address, no sender, no reason inside. I could no longer tell if the sorrow I felt was mine or Richard’s, or from the collective field. And how to tell the difference, really?
In my heart and consciousness they both arise together. I can no longer distinguish the one from the other. Grief comes as the shadow of love.
Once again it turnes out to be a lesson of love.