My poor head is running over with words on tantra. I can’t sleep but I’m getting to understand my reactions bit by bit.
I’ve been reading a lost of posts about tantra lately. Honestly, it makes me both frustrated and curious. Feelings of being alienated, like; Is it only me that experiences it this way? Huh – What is going on here? Why do I feel they are on some kind of mission? I can’t stand “missioning”! Sometimes it all makes me feel small and insecure. Is it something wrong with me who don’t get the clue here? What is it that I don’t understand? Sure, I haven’t read all the books about tantra. I don’t think I will either, a few is enough. But who knows? And I get angry too… What the f.. is this?- what a load of separation-driven theories! Please, give me a brake. And once again I stick my finger into the wasp nest. Never learn, do I?
What I find most interesting with all of this is my own reactions to it all. There must be something going on beneath the surface. Why am I writing when I know it will make disturbance? What am I defending? Protecting? What is it that wants to be seen now? A part of me wants to stand up for what I know to be the truth for me. I’ve been hiding enough in my life. Another part of me gets so damned frustrated by all this mind business – as if there is a war going on.
So…. What am I defending?
It is simply this;
And this is something so tangible and delicate, something not yet fully born inside. Something I cant really pinpoint or touch.
It’s like this;
I have been to different tantra classes and so. Nice of course, and very interesting. I’ve learned a lot, and experienced a lot. I have broken down fears and believes, I’ve blossomed, opened up and integrated. Thank you life for giving me the opportunities to do this! It has been wonderful! I guess, I will tend to more classes or workshops too, but right now it feels as if I can’t give it a 100 percent. Something in me is done with all these peak experiences that often comes with the tantric lessons. Been there done that-kind of feeling. I can’t forever go on chasing the peak experiences what ever they are about. There is a shift going on inside towards something not yet born, something more soft. I need to find my true way, “my tantric way” and be the woman I was born to be. I guess that’s why I let my self be tickled by all the different views, so that I will have the chance to dive into this matter over and over again until it’s clear. So, thank you also for provoking me, making my head spin.
Another problem is when talking about tantra is this: when I say Tantra, I probably mean something else than you do as we by our experiences and our ways of being in life, our personalities, brings different connotation into it. So it is with everything. Take for instance the word Door. This simple word can bring forth many different pictures, labels or memories. It can be a physical door. Read, brown, white… It may be a door to heaven, or to hell. It may be a closed door, or an open door. It may mean an opening to something. And so on.
So well… This I’ve come to understand: tantra may be a set of techniques. It may be a religion. It may be a way to bliss. It may be a way to spiritual experiences, or to awakening of the kundalini power. It may be “the right way” to some. It may be a way of intimate relating with your partner. It may be red tantra, white tantra, black tantra and shamanistic tantra. It may be a way to full body orgasms. It may be a way to intense experiences. It may be healing. And it may be none of this.
This I know:
1: To me tantra is not a lot of techniques. Techniques might be helpful, but in the end, one has to let go of them. The technique is not the experience it self, and it may even block your ability to be in the present experience, because you fight the present moment in search of something else. Let’s say you go out biking. Then the bike is to be compared to the techniques. It may help give you a wonderful tour, but it is not the tour, and this experience won’t last. One day you cast away that bike you’ve spent so much time with, to go with a motorbike instead, hoping this will bring you what the old vehicle couldn’t.
So when I read about techniques and ways of doing tantra as better than something else, you’ve lost me. I can be curious about what they might bring, but I can’t really depend on them, they are just vehicles. It might also be wise to check out some different “bikes”, so that “I know what I’m talking about.” If I feel the need to.
2: To me tantra is not religion. Religion is a belief system. I can’t relate to something I have to believe in. That’s blurry business to me. Believes creates duality. It’s mind business. Religion is a system of rules, techniques, promises or threats. Something fixed & boxed, right or wrong, true or false, do and don’ts. And a lot of ifs. One can turn everything into a religion. Count me out. To me, Tantra is but nothing of all this. I really love the deities, but I don’t need a religion for that.
3: Today I will say: To me tantra is a longing. A deep longing and an answer to this longing at the same time. It is the longing itself. It is a willingness. It is a surrender. It is awareness. It is a willingness to absolute honesty of the moment.
I find it very difficult to explain tantra. But think I will say like this:
When I love a person, the most intimate in this is not the me nor the other. Not the object of the love, neither is it the experience of an “us”. The most intimate in this is the experience of loving, of love it self. The pure experience of being that love.
4: To me tantra is a way of life. A way of living. A way of being in life.
I’m a tantric being. Tantra came naturally along with gradually awakening. Life is tantric in its core essence. Being is tantra and Life is nothing but an ongoing experience, so why fight the moment?
I’ve come to experience life more and more in a tantric way. To me, every feeling and emotion is a tantric experience. When I surrender to what is, it is a feeling of delight also in the troublesome feelings, in boredom, in frustration, in anger – oh yes! And in grief too.
That’s how I live my life- as fully as I can. To welcome life as it comes to me. (mind you, I’m far from “perfect”. Still got way to go.. ..) And that’s how I make love too, as fully as I can in that particular moment. Tantra is a lot about making love! I love making love, and I recognize that when I “want it this or that way”, let’s say I want an orgasm to happen, then I’m lost. I’m not here now, not present, I’m in the future. The changes from one state to another may be very subtle, so I don’t always feel it happen. Orgasms are nice, sure. It may happen and it may not. Fine either way, because to me, tantra is not about achieving, not about a goal in the future. When I am in the moment, I enjoy so much more the fine currents of energy flowing, changing inside and between. What a delicate feeling it is to feel every cell of my body pulsating, alive, being the aliveness itself. (but I actually don’t need making love for that… I feel it right now too) The dance between the lovers can be soft and tender, or it can be wrathful wrestling, it may be the beast coming to show, or angel’s wings touching my heart. There may be explosions of energy bursting, I never know. But if or when I have a goal, probably nothing of this will be. And the more I let go of wanting, the more I feel my partner also. It is first when I totally let go that the duality cease to exist, and oneness is. For this I need no other “vehicle” than presence and trust.
Sitting reading what I’ve written, thinking “who cares bout this? “ well… I do. And there is a voice in me saying; hopefully I’ve not offended anyone. If I have… well, then I have.
This is my way of tantra. And this is my experience. I know God out of experience. That I can relate to. I haven’t just read about him in a book somewhere. I don’t have to believe anymore. I’m done with that. Thank Lord!
I guess I’m lucky. I don’t know. It was sweet to believe as long as I had to. Sometimes I miss that dreaming… but what I feel, deep down, is truly gratefulness over this miracle that I’ve come to know life to be. I could just as well have written “love” to be. But that again is so filled with so many different connotations. And here we go again.
Tantra is … Love for Life!
me as baby