Who is Another?


51WccMs0rDL._SL500_AA300_At first glance, this question might seem simple and almost too stupid to even care to answer. Why bother, as I can clearly see that you are not me, right?

But are you sure? Who is another, really? Have you ever, honestly, tried to follow your mind and emotions into this question? Perhaps not, as we all take the whole thing for granted, don’t we?

I was asked the question this weekend.  That is because I’ve embarked on one more journey into the Buddha Psychology, with my teacher Nukunu.

I tried to answer it as wholeheartedly as I could. Oh, yes of course I know the right answers in my mind of memories, and I could easily reproduce them. I’ve read the books, you know.  But that’s dead stuff. I’m not interested in that, I’m interested in the raw experience in the moment, in what feels true right now. So I sat listening and not listening to the voices in the room, all trying to explain their experience of who is another to their random chosen partner. I listened to “my partner”- A simple question producing so many different answers. Interesting in it self.

Would you like to know what I found?

To me ‘Another’ is something the mind creates in time and space, as something or someone apart from me, as an object in time and space. Oh, how convenient! In that way I can hold you as something predictable in the world of objects.

It is also a way to say: Oh no, this is not me or mine! In that way I do not need to be responsible, I do not have to engage.  In that way I do not need to feel into what I reject in the moment, of feelings and circumstances. “Oh, this is for sure not mine, this is yours, baby! “

When I create ‘you’ or ‘another’ I immediately create ‘me’. In a split second I’ve created a distance, a disconnection, a separation. In creating ‘another’ I build and restore the prison called me, each and every time, every single day.

‘Another’ is a dance and form of energy given names and labels. It has become frozen objects. When I create another I do so in order to believe that this dance is controllable, and to keep a certain imagined balance and safety. It is a game in time and space. Quite fascinating actually, how we all silently have agreed to keep this game of hide and seek going for thousands of years… hmm….

And then came the juicy part, for me the bottom line of this:

” If there were to be no other, no you, there would be no me.”


NO ME ?!? Oh no, sir, don’t you give me this one. I won’t buy it.


Fear came visiting, sure as Amen in the church.

Oh my!…. I’m so afraid of loosing the grip of it all. It’s better to stay framed than to loose ones self, or what?

I better keep the walls up and live inside the jail called me, in order to believe that this is safe and that this is the best solution for all.



Of course not. But still we do.

When we mutually agree to keep the concept of another alive, we constantly live in a blind dance that goes on and on. We agree to this in order to feel that we belong. Belong in a family, in a group, in the world, and that there is a time and place for ‘me’ in the world. We agree to stay small in order to belong.

I saw that what we reject in the moment of identifying as a ‘me’ and a ‘you’, is the greatness. It is nothing but the AbsoluteTotality we reject. We trade our freedom for the jail of mind.

Oh holy shit! This vastness beyond measure.. .. limitless access to this?… oohh… fear from the guts and longing in the heart arose side by side. 


It’s perhaps not so bad after all, to dive into this. So much revealed by such a simple question.

There is more to come.

Yes please !

Thank you, Nukunu. Thank you, sangha.

Thank you ‘me’ for diving into the sea of life.











“I will” – or The wheel of Samsara

as it is felt from this body and soul.

This is not a love letter.
– or maybe it is… in disguise.

The story:
Years ago now, more “by accident” than by a conscious choice, I came to meet my teacher. I had by that time no clue about awakening, enlightenment or gurus. There and then I got hooked. I did not understand why, it just felt right. A longing I did not know of was answered.

What is it that pulled me to this path of awakening? What is it that keeps me here? I’ve been pondering these questions for years now.
We’ve talked about this topic now and then, Richard and me, as it goes for both of us. I’ve come up with temporary answers, answers that have felt like “hm, yeah, maybe it’s so..” inside. Like: “I wanna be holy”, ” I wanna live in peace”, “I don’t wanna die”, or “I’m afraid of death”. Thought for some time the last one was the bottom line, but no.
It’s all top layers.

Last evening,
as from nowhere, an internal flashlight hit the dark spot inside:
I simply don’t wanna reincarnate!
And with this a voice screaming inside:
I don’t wanna live this pain and this suffering and this conflicting charade and masquerade in this imprisoning body system once more. NO!!! no. no

Not that the life I’ve lived and live today is a total disaster, not at all. I’ve had my share of sorrows, and lots of love and pleasures. It’s not about that.

It’s about the pain of separation.
The separation that starts with the first thought: “I will”.
Look at the other species of this planet. Where else do you find this pain and suffering inflicted upon others arising from experiencing life as a separated entity? Nowhere. What are we up to? Who else destroys their living surroundings and calls it progress? What are we creating? What are we bringing to this planet as human beings? I’m afraid it’s not much to brag about.
And it all starts as far as I see with this one sentence: “I will”. Or “I will not”. Which basically is the same. The more I feed this “I will-thing inside” the more I feed the separation.

– I see my own resistance, my own ‘I will not’, and I’m kind of smiling at it. I see the bottom line “I will not” at full play. I’m fine with that. I will wait. Wait until the struggle disappears.  What else can I do? But I do not want to forget. I do not want to forget the longing. I can only surrender into what is here right now, and feel it fully. No hiding from the pain. Not again. not again…

I see no reason for living this alienated-from-my-self-ness-life once more.
I’ve travelled lifetimes here on Earth. I remember. I also remember the being and feeling in the “in between”….

So, Please, please…

Please God, if you listen, please. Let me off the wheel.

I just want to come home. I want to give up the fight.
Please. Help me. I can’t do this alone. I don’t know how.


“In my Father’s house are many rooms”. Joh 14.2

I fell asleep last night thinking about the miracle and the challenge of letting go.

With the risk of being too private here, this is the case:

When making love, I find myself with the possibility to consciously choose to let go into orgasm. Falling deeper and deeper into the feeling of joy in the body, orgasm is not far away. And I loose myself for a while in this energy arising, in this dance of the bodies, in the emotions arising. I’m just there more or less watching, letting it all be expressed in it’s own natural way. Later, before falling asleep in my beloved’s arms, I’m pondering: How come it is so easy to let go into orgasm, and so difficult to let go into the Great Mystery?

This brought a dream to surface. It’s a lucid dream, which is I’m aware of this being a dream while dreaming. Almost the whole night I heard this voice saying: “In my Fathers Heart are many rooms”.  I knew it to be from the Bible. (I had only changed the word ‘house’ with ‘heart’) And equally many times I argued saying “In my Father’s Heart is but One Great room.“

I was in that Great Room the whole night.  In morning meditation this room was present. Open, wide, empty yet filled. OH, HOW I LOVE THIS!

How I long to be in this space as the most natural thing in the world, as the place to be and act from. And still, I fall out, or I step out. I’m at the threshold, waiting. How come it’s so difficult to fall into the Great Mystery?

I can’t fall by will. I just can’t decide it. It’s not a conscious mindy decision to make.

It has to come by Grace. May I invite that grace into my life?

Maybe I can Feel-Fall here too? Falling into orgasm feels like it is very much the same, but it is not. Orgasm is so strong, so dense in compare to these subtle layers of the Heart. I’ve fallen into orgasm so many times, my body knows the way, knows what is coming. I’ve been diving into the heart too, several times, and the experiences have been both strong and tender. Yet, there is another “level”… the final step, I can’t DO.  A deep longing arising now… and a childish voice that wants to yell, “It’s not fair! I want to fall into the Unknown too, in just the same way!”

Letting go into orgasm is an act of trust. It took years before I really could let the whole body be filled and arise in that energy explosion.  To let go into God is an act of even deeper trust.

It is easy to blame my self for not achieving this that I long for. For not “doing enough” to reach this goal of my inner longing. I know there are so many things I could have done. Gone to more retreats. Meditated even more. Listened to inspiring talks all day. Yeah, I know.. ..  but I’ve chosen differently. Not that I do not attend to some spiritual practice, but I could have done more. Will it help blaming my self, banging on my self and creating bad consciousness for this? No… no.

But what might bring on some difference is if I’m able to forgive my self deep down, for hesitating, for being afraid, for going in circles, for postponing… I won’t even promise to change. I will only forgive myself for not yet having achieved my deepest longing; to fully awaken.  And surrender to that forgiveness.


For the Benefit of All.

Thanks, Eli Helland, for writing me those words the other day.

We had a small chat about income. Quite ordinary. We all need an income. And about earning money from what you love doing.

For the benefit of all.


The words have returned to my consciousness over and over again during the last days.

Honestly; my first reaction was Yeah, yeah…. I’ve heard this sooo many times before.  And forgotten about it, too, equally many times.

I do not know exactly why they left such a trace this time. But they did.

I pondered over ”what is ‘for the benefit of all’, actually?”  and  ”What highly appreciated and highly validated kind of work is it that has this mysteriously great impact on others?”

All I came up with as mirrors of this thought was the perfectly great masters of the spiritual world.

Dead End Track. I’m not them.

So, what then?

For the benefit of all.

We are all needed. There is no honest work that is better or worse, higher or lower than anything else.

It dawned to me, that it is just as much to the benefit of all whether you sweep the floors in the hospital, drive the bus for passengers to feel safe, raise your kids with love, if a teacher deeply listen to the pupils, if you sing your heart out and opens the soul and heart of others (as Eli does), if you help someone in need, or administrate a town or country or a spiritual community, or teaching kids to play football.  And more or less everything else.


It is not about what you do.

It is about the intention behind.

Do I do my work out of fear, out of lack of trust, or out of need for acceptance? Do I do this for my self, for my own safety? For my own joy & benefit only? Then I’m lost in the struggle. And the world will answer with more struggles. I just heard someone say: ”When you worry, you’re praying for worry”. That ’s what’s being heard, and that’s what you’ll get.

What I’m going to write now, I do not know how to put into words so that you get what I feel. Because it’s more a feeling than a knowing, actually.  I’ll give it a try. It comes as a question.

– Is it so that one cannot be able to recognize fully the content within the words “to the benefit of all” until one has come to a certain point of understanding, of development? – I’m hesitating to use those words, because it is easily seen as levels of spiritual mastery…. I’m not talking about validation, of higher or lower, and I’m certainly not trying to tell I’m above anyone else…

But, is it so that one has to have certain kinds of insights or openness or trust or what? FEELING into this now, this comes loud & clear:

No. The answer is no. And yes. Yes. It is both.

It is about maturity. To mature into.

Yep! That’s it. That’s what I was looking for.

To mature into the benefit of all.

Thank you.

It occurs to me that there has to be certain qualities at hand. Such as a certain serenity (did I write that?) , a surrender to life,  a certain love for humanity, not only for the one and only-kind of love, but a deeper almost unspeakable love. Unspeakable, because it is so difficult to explain in words. It’s more like a current flowing underneath it all.

I think one can  ”do” for the benefit of all by will. For a while. And hopefully one will mature into the realms of deeper knowing and surrender to the will of life, with time.

This is no place for lofty dreamers. This feels very very down to earth -real and solid. Oops! Better get my feet on the ground, then…!


The true benefit of all- energy is not arising from mind and will. It is a matter of the heart. It is a heart quality. When consciously giving your self and your gifts or your service to the world, it makes a hell of a lot of difference!

Have you seen the movie ” Peaceful Warrior”?  Would you like to know what affected me the most? That’s when Nic Nolte as Socrates (the gas station owner) says:

” This is not a gas station. It is a service station”.

And THAT’s what it’s ALL about:


From the heart. What ever you do.

For the benefit of all.

This also goes for what I do for me. As I am included in the totality of all. Thank you Eli, for pointing this out. What I do for my self, I do for you. And what I do for you, I do for my self. I so often forget my self in this way, There is The world, and Here am I. Familiar with that?

It’s about intention. It’s about quality. It’s about service.

May my days be for the benefit of all,


-Here’s a link to Eli Helland’s home page: http://www.elihelland.com/


The world of Separation…

and of facebook.

As I often do, I open my computer in the morning, scroll down, glancing at the latest news in my feed.

Today this happened that made me ponder over what’s going on in the world for a while.  I got quite upset, in fact, left with a lots of questions.

First I got shocked.

I saw a posting about the deadly risk of being born as an innocent girl in the eastern world. No, this is not a joke! I was told that The UN estimates that as much as 200 MILLION girls are missing in the world, simply because they are girls! They are being aborted, born and killed, or abandoned. It sounds like a horror movie. It is. But it is going on in real time. Now. Not in dreamtime. Why are we closing our eyes? For how long will we comfort our selves, hiding from the violence that takes place, the crushing of heart after heart, the creating of misery upon misery out of old fashion beliefs and worn out doctrines? How many more are to be killed and molested just for BEING A GIRL?

Have a look your self. Here’s a link to the trailer “It’s a girl” http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ISme5-9orR0

Well, as facebook works, I rather quickly scroll down to see what else is there today. Not forgetting the movie. And then, I’m getting a real good laugh! – as I opened a Wits talk given from a mother upon the topic of sex education. I hear a true story, told from her life where her young daughter asks some very intimate questions, and her reactions to this.

You can watch it here if you like:


I guess by now you see what I’m heading at.

The differences between “this world” and “that world”.

Huh ? We are but one world, right?

Watching this I’m not so sure.

It’s more like we’re all inside one brain, with a left and a right hemisphere.  But where is that bridge? And how come there is such a HUGE gap between the two hemispheres?

The more I think about it, the more I see that picturing this as a brain must be quite accurate, actually.  This awful, horrific practice cannot be actions of the heart. I refuse to believe that.  It has to be a creation of mind, of separation, discrimination, of poverty and of fear.

And the other side of the brain, people close their eyes and go on living in their dreamtime bubble, “as long as I’m Ok, everything is Ok”, driving our fancy cars, eating swell and sending our kids to school, telling our daughters how to become princesses in the world, dressing them up, u-tubing them… do I have to say any more about the difference?

What’s really going on here?

We are so narrow in our ways in life. We hardly look over the fence. We do not want to see the split so we gaze into our own little world pretending it’s all just fine…..?

Every child has the birthright to love!

Every child has the birthright to be honoured as a human being.

Not everyone can offer their children the richness of money, and unfortunately not even the richness of heart.

I have no answers to what to do or how to do, or how to close this gap. I only know that I’m not Ok with this. It is painful to look at, but I do not want to close my eyes to this.  If it is painful to look at, how must it then be to live this horror show?

And who am I if I walk away and forget, closing my heart and mind….

There is a voice telling me that as a mother and a woman in the world this is also my obligation to help & to heal.

But how?

Being pondering this through the day, I find that right away I cannot do so very much.

And while I write, I came across this article too. Not happy reading.


My 9 year old son asked me one day if we pleeeaase could make an “adoption” of a child in need somewhere in the world. We talked, and he said; “you know mom, I want to get very rich, and then I will use the money to build schools for those who have none.”

I think I know what kind of “adoption” we’re heading for now. Thank you Son, for your loving and caring heart. 

The easiness of “not personal”.


Inheritance, the last phase.

To inherit someone may, as you know, bring up quite some emotional processes.  So was also the case here.

It could have been a rather simple and easy process, as my father was a man of few belongings. In that way one might say, he was kind of Zen. A few things of solid quality, things that lasts for decades. But all must come to an end. It was not much left when he died, neither of belongings nor body.

I did not really see it come. The attack, as I phoned what I expected to be a simple call of practicality. I almost stopped breathing for a while. It became the shortest and strangest one -way call so far in my life. I was left in a state of shock and with absolute astonishment in the belly. ‘What happened?’ I guess my face had a pretty strange look!

I could have reacted with anger in that moment. Or with sadness. I could have taken it very personal. If I had gone into identification here, and believed the words uttered, anything could have happened.

Ahhh! What a relief!

I stepped back, recognizing the feelings passing through. And instead of hooking on to them, I left them passing by. In a moment of clarity I “saw” the other persons outburst, and my own reaction to the energy and the words as impersonal. And I managed to stay somewhat awake, and continued to not make it personal. That was a very good experience! I even nodded my head and smiled at it all, of the pain and the harshness, and the frustration in it all.

What was such a delight in this mess was that I recognized the I, my self, to be free in this.

Meditation practice works! I am sure that without all that practice I would have bitten on to that hook of emotions and got stuck in the feelings. And probably created even more havoc. You know, shooting back, to avoid feeling. I could have listened to all the old stories in the mind, and reacted. But “I” was free, it was not personal, it was just something going on.

Later that day, the anger came. I saw it coming this time. I felt it arose in the body, and recognized it as a river of energy floating through me. This time I chose to surf on that anger, and to express it clearly, with clarity. Boy, was that good!

The entanglement that comes when we bite the hook creates a lot of stirred feelings and painful situations, inside and outside, and we get lost in the feelings and the stories we create about it all. It is like swimming into a jellyfish. Suddenly the nettle strings are all over you, and you start to wave your arms and legs to get free, and all that happens is that you get more into it, and pain increases. And you will have to deal with this for a while, until it ceases.

Perhaps, if you are somewhat like me, it might me good to know that there is another way of handling stressful situations, a way that does not bring so much suffering.

Every day is an opportunity to learn how to surf the waves of feelings. I’m a very emotional being, so I’ve had to learn this step by step. And I’m still learning.

Little by little, in situations less charged, that is; oftentimes situations with people not so close, step back for a second and wait. Wait for just a moment. Pause, and see if you can allow the feelings in their pure energy form to simply wash through you without going into making stories about it all. And sigh. Step back, physically or mentally, and sigh.  This little gesture creates a space inside, and allows your wisdom to come forth. The wisdom that makes it possible to look at it all in a more detached way. The wisdom that tells you that this is simply something that is going on in the moment.

If you give it a try; Good luck! It is worth it. There is a pearl waiting inside. A pearl of freedom. 



“Purple Jellyfish” by Baddad.

“Black Pearl and his shell” Mila Zinkova.

Why am I here?

Some days ago, in the opening day of the Durga sadhana, I had a dream.

I dreamt that I was to die. Having no problems with this, I sat down on the bed, stroke my hands over the bed spread a few times to make it look nice, to prepare. Looking at Richard, knowing he was the one to kill me, and that this was all ok. He shot me right in the forehead. Nice and clean, no fuzz about it at all. It was supposed to be this way. I died. I fell backwards on the bed. No blood shed. ”I” was dead, but yet not. The consciousness was still there.

I awoke. Feeling calm, actually, knowing I had just been killed, sort of. The dream has followed me during the days. It might sound strange, but I am very pleased with the fact that I dared to be killed! In many dreams during the last years I almost got killed in one or another way, for just to wake up in that moment right before, terrified or at least afraid.

This was just so right. This was so filled with trust.

A blow in the head, right into mind. Mind all gone, no ”right or wrong”, no judgments. A ritual killing, performed by the man who loves me the most, out of love. By a man already awakened.

In fact, I think this is just fantastic, don’t you too?

Still waiting to die to my self, though… to have the courage to stay in that state of no mind… long enough. To make it real for real. Not just as glimpses or a memory… but the inner knowing, saying I’m free, and know this to be the truth with all of my existence.

In the Durga Sadhana group I am participating for the time being, a question was given:

”Why are you here?”

-Yes, why am I here?  -Why am I in this group of women? -Why am I in this life, on this planet, together with this family, these friends?

There is no one right answer to this.

Why am I in this life?

Today this is my answer:

I am here love to awaken to itself. No more no less.  I am here for all the wails of mind to fall in order to distinguish the false self from the truth.

I am here for love to recognize itself in the creation called me.

I am here to embody the feminine and the masculine in the play called life, and to recognize this in all my being.



“Creation of the World ballet, photo by Maiseenok.




Oh Holy Shit! – Durga Sadhana practice in real.

"Durga the Goddess", by Heike Becker

Durga the Goddess is for sure riding that tiger now, right into my life, right into my being.

There is a struggle within.

So damn much attachment! Oh holy shit!







"Struggle", by Keith BuretteBut that’s how it is. Can’t make it nicer than it is.

Surrender… I know… I know…

A devil inside saying:

Kiss my holy ass – surrender! Nooo way! You gotta be out of your bloody mind!

Embrace & Kiss that devil? … yak!

The devils name;  “I want it my way”.

Yes, the ‘I’ for sure ‘s got an agenda, totally crashing with the insight from yesterday:

As long as there is the sliiiightest bit of an ‘I’ having an agenda, or a wanting of an outcome,  even though disguised as a non-selfish-very-kind-to-humanity-kind of- agenda,  more karma is created.

Fuck those insights! Grrr! –makin’ya caught in your own trap, sort of.

Resistance. – here we go again.

I’m so fucking pissed off by all the times I gave in, for the sake of the so-called peace of house. Didn’t bring you much relief or happiness, did it? Nope! Only suppressed anger.

But; if I have no goal, what is there to fight for? Nothing! What’s the use then, to speak ones longing, to try and make changes for the best? No use at all…. You Might just as well end the party here & now. Right? Yep….or I don’t know…

Letting go of the outcome of it all? Sigh… can’t I just have it a tiny-winy my way, please…? How can I aim for a goal, and at the same time let the outcome be open, with no attachment to any kind?

Sayin’ what?   Can’t hear you…

Fight, the word fight. Wrong attitude.


Who’s there speaking now? Oh…. So tired of all these voices! Sigh.

Say welcome to “The One who knows”.

Hallelujah, so you’re on stage now too… 

Oh, Shut up will you please? I’m tired of you Devil now.

Dearest, will it make you happier getting it your way? Do you know for sure what is for the best? Do you know better then life itself? It’s a hell of a lot of ego here, do you see that?

Devil speaking: I hate all those questions! Why do you listen to them at all?

-NO of course I don’t know what is the best, but I think I do.., and if I do not TRY, I’ll never know, will I?

…Blah blah blah….

Mindstuff.  -Ok I see that.

What’s the opposite of Fight?


Yeah. Peace. And what is peace?

No two.

So it is, darling.  And how do you find this?

By not fighting. Meaning: surrender. Letting go of the shape of the outcome. But still do what feels right and follow my heart. And listen.  HOW the h…DO I DO THAT with all these voices inside?

You are doing it already, right now. This is how it is, love. Bring it all to the Goddess.  Offer it to her feet. Let her feed her tiger with it all. With all those demon voices, all the false selves. It’s her job, to restore peace inside. And you know, peace inside is peace outside. Go undress your false selves, let them crumble in her presence. Let it all fall aside, inside. You can be with it, I know.

Have trust. 


Illustrations used in this post:

“Durga the Goddess” By Heike Becker.

“Struggle” by Keith Burnette

Feeding Tiger : unknown.

Healing Grief, a cleansing of the soul.

Last days & weeks I have felt rather like heavy and “dead” inside, like being in a waiting position. No energy to do anything in particular, actually. Not really interested or inspired, not angry, not really amused, not really anything. Glimpses of light, of course… but So Absolutely not Me! Knowing that this sorrow & grief cannot only be mine… I waited.

I’d been cleansing the body for a week. Felt that I needed to do so, to raise the energy again. Maybe that was of help too. Well, I don’t know for sure.

Anyhow, I came home yesterday evening, needed to dance & to meditate, ending with sauna, to get all the encounters of the day out of body.

Then I saw or felt a “grief-line” going from my fathers father, to my father, to me, to my son… Totally accepting this, releasing with a deep sigh and soft tears.

Later, I was going to bed, thinking about sex, actually… but that was definitively not to happen! Now came the time for the spiritual cleans, the healing of deep wounds.

-Before I continue, I have to praise my beloved Richard, whom with his presence meets everything that comes, openhearted. He was with me in this too… I love him endlessly! –

What was to be released came from the depths of my being, from the core of my backbones, from my heart. I neither could nor wanted to resist it as it unfolded itself. 

The trauma of my grandfathers death- whom I never met-, as he drowned during the WW2, his ship being hit by a missile in a convoy attack. I felt his shock, the drowning. I drowned. The fear, the pain, and the physical clinging to something while going down… into the waters…. and finally; death. 
”I” was dead. Breathing stopped. Slowly, slowly I came back to my self again… being held by Richard. After a while I fell asleep in his loving arms, quite exhausted.

It was a strange night, dreams of light and darkness at the same time.

Only this, darkness and light.

Today I feel much lighter, but I am also very tired. It feels as if I’ve been working overtime! But also, for the first time in weeks I feel a new kind of energy. An energy with more outgoing direction than before. More alive. A relief.

The Well of Grief
Those who will not slip beneath
the still surface on the well of grief
turning down to its black water
to the place that we can not breathe
will never know
the source from which we drink
the secret water cold and clear
nor find in the darkness
the small gold coins
thrown by those who wished for something else
~ David Whyte ~

The sorrow and grief of my father… of loosing his father while still a young boy.

The mourning widow, my grandmother.

The grief of my father when divorced, not being with his children, “Loosing us”.

My own and my brother’s grief for “loosing our father” in that divorce. (we saw him rather seldom)

My own grief and my youngest son’s grief for loosing the daily contact, as he lives with his father.

My 3 other children’s grief after my divorce from their father, years ago…

My prayer is: 

May these broken hearts be healed for all generations to come.

May it take what ever is needed. 


Grief, the shadow of love.

When you’re on the top of the mountain, you have to climb down again.

Silly me hoped to stay up there, detached from the world, feeling all fine, in love with the experience of ‘the moment’ and detachment. That’s not the way it goes. That’s just half the journey. I had to come back to meet the world. And this includes meeting grief.

It comes as a wave, rolling into my consciousness.


Months ago there was a friend saying to me; “You act as if you are all happy and fine, but you are not”. I didn’t like what I heard. Of course I was happy ! – , but my father had died not long ago. Somewhere inside I knew he was right, and somewhere inside I knew that it was not only because of my father. I just did not want to look at it at that time.  I was too busy with being happy, I guess.

It came knocking when I least expected it to.

I do not know what it is about any longer.  It used to have a name, like ‘death’, or ‘separation from my beloved ones’, …. But now there are no names any more.

Just this; grief and love. Hand in hand they walk, comes visiting my heart and body.  Turns away for a while and comes knocking again.

In the beginning it was mostly dark sorrow and grief. I cried silent tears, from my eyes and from my heart. I quite felt heavy inside. Tired. Oftentimes I did not even notice its appearance. Not until Richard said “Oh, there is so much sorrow in your eyes”, and yes, it was. It was right there, all the time, yet often invisible to me.

In a way I felt trapped. I thought I had mourned what was to be mourned so far in my life. But apparently not. I have come to understand that a lot of what have happened in life I had not mourned. There was no time for that back then. Life had asked of me to cope with daily life’s struggles. I was tangled up in relationships, broken relationships, broken dreams, new love affaires, children and childbirth, just to mention some of it, and the struggle for food and living, having to be strong.  And yet I was a bit surprised. And as it persisted on staying, I wondered; for how long will I have to mourn? For how long will this sorrow stay with me? I did not know. I still don’t. I only know that something is changing.

I decided to befriend the grief. To make friends with mourning. Because who knows; maybe it will be like this for ever, so I might just as well stop fighting it and get used to it’s presence. I do not know exactly how, but I guess something happened when I saw that grief and love comes hand in hand.  Once I felt the softness of grieving it was no longer so heavy. I could in fact in a strange way enjoy it! It is the language of the heart.

The deeper the love and affection is, the more grief. This is natural, isn’t it? If I don’t love, there is nothing to mourn either. No loss, actually.

So I addressed my heart, and welcomed grief as a sign of love. Oh, I love so very much! So therefore, maybe, I have to grieve very much too?… until it is all dissolved. If it ever will be. Then one day I sat contemplating this love & grief-thing, suddenly I was not able to find any address, no sender, no reason inside. I could no longer tell if the sorrow I felt was mine or Richard’s, or from the collective field. And how to tell the difference, really?

In my heart and consciousness they both arise together. I can no longer distinguish the one from the other. Grief comes as the shadow of love.

Once again it turnes out to be a lesson of love.