It just stopped.
I could not continue.
A voice inside whispered something that I again forgot, but it was strong enough to keep me from writing. The voice talked in quite simple words. Words like; who do you believe you are, thinking that your thoughts and words are worth spreading? Do you actually have anything to say that is not said hundreds of times over, and expressed in much better ways already? Stay simple. Please, put your ego aside. Wait. Are you different than anyone else? Who are you, really? What part of you is talking? Why are you writing?
This may sounds as pretty depressing and reducing thoughts. It was not. It was just simple and honest thoughts arising.
This voice returned today, months and weeks later.
And I find my self punching at the keyboard again, placing black letters on a white word sheet, smiling, finding it kind of funny.
My answer to all this is simple too; I’m an ordinary woman. There is nothing very special about me. I wake up in the morning, eat and kiss my beloved goodbye, make love at night, copes with life’s challenges at day and sometimes at night too, going around doing everyday family stuff. And I try to stay as honest and true to my self as possible in the moment, trying to see behind the veil of patterns, beliefs and thoughts. So where does this leave me?
It leaves me right here. With my self and with you.
What’s special about that? Nothing much. Thank Goddess. It is a relief actually. Quite freeing.
There was a time when I felt small and rather unimportant, but not in a good way. My ego back then was striving for being more and better and glorious… but I did not see it. I just saw the failure. I saw everything that I was not, and I tried to compensate. I was in a hamster wheel I did not even see. Of course it became failure when the drive to greatness came from a lack inside.
I will not say I’m totally free of ego drive today, oh no! Far from it. That would just be another untruthful belief to carry. There is still plenty of “me” inside of me. But now I can also enjoy the ride, while exploring and unveiling “the faces of me”.
Truth is I long for the day when I in absolute honesty can say: “I am an ordinary woman just because I AM”. And out of that life will keep on unfolding as the mystery it is. And I will play my part in the divine comedy knowing I’m simply playing a character in the great constellation called Life, while not forgetting who I am in essence. And that will not be the one I think I am. Yet in an odd way, it will be so too I guess.
I wish you a playful day in the game of Life!