- And a marriage is not something a yogini can take it easy on. Even though she might want to sometimes, easier that way, for sure… Marriage is not just some yada-yada- words and a ring on the finger-play.
It is a 100% Yes. Unless so there is no yes.
When a yogini marries she does so full-heartedly. There is no holding back, nor is she hiding from whatever comes up. Life as a yogini demands of her to stay in her truth and as close to Truth as she possibly can. She has no choice. It is Spirit calling her out on stage. It’s not a choice made by mind and logic.
So, in the midst of a myriad of to-do-preparations before marriage, happily carried by a strong force of Love and Abundance on a wave of Joy
Fall into something unexpected.
So totally unexpected.
Into a wave of deep sorrow, of frustration and agony.
Bodily pain and a tight knot in the belly, tears without name wanting to be cried. Almost no breath. It’s a heavy, thick and stuck yet frantic and strange kind of electric nervous energy in this.
As out of the blue, the words Marriage Trauma appear in mind.
Oh, it sure is demanding, this 100% Yes.
This Yes to this one man, to whom I wove to stay full- heartedly, side by side, for the rest of my life. A Yes to this Love, this Body, this Presence, this Life. With no escape routes. No back door slightly open for a quick and easy way out. Not a tiny little unspoken ‘no’ has a place in this union.
This Yes to marry with all of me.
I do not want it any other way. My yogini heart is here, alive.
I’ve failed before. Twice. What was supposed to last, didn’t. Disappointment. Challenges. Trauma. First time I was young and immature, second time driven by passion and frustration. Both had to end with pain.
There is more to it, something lurking in the shadows of the past.
So I breath into it. Feel and wait. Not for long, this wants to be seen now.
And from the deep Well of Grief comes to surface
The Great Betrayal.
The Great Betrayal is the one from the father of daughter.
In the little girl’s world the Father is equivalent to God.
And Father failed to stand and hold.
And with this, fear arises.
Deep dark fear of the Total Crash of the Holy Union archetype.
The Union between woman and man.
Between Earth and Heaven.
Between God and his child.
How then can I expect another man to be standing?
How then, can I trust again? How then can I be willing to take that step, and say Yes?
Quite something to stay with.
But I stay. I have no choice. It’s here, right now. In this New Year’s Eve. ( strange, for years I’ve been noticing that how New Year’s Eve is spend, so will the next year turn out for me… now, this is “another kind of” New Year’s Eve- feeling, a knowing of deep undercurrents)
Being willing to say Yes despite of this is in fact an act of courage and great love.
This love is not mine alone. And I do not owe it.
This is the Love that has brought both of us to where we are today.
And because of this, I say Yes.
Because of this, I will say Yes a hundred times over.